


What Happens in 4th Year, Stays in 4th Year

by Appliciousness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fantasy, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Parody, Plotbunnies, Science Fiction, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-01 14:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15776349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Appliciousness/pseuds/Appliciousness
Summary: Harry's 4th year at Hogwarts was weird. Like…really weird. Every day, he wakes up in a new fandom. Join him on his quest to make it out of 4th year alive and with his sanity intact.





	1. Chapter 1

_Harry shook his head. "It was a particularly strange year at Hogwarts. No one exactly knows what happened at any particular time, and many of us remember the same event completely differently. Every time I've tried to discuss it, I've caused arguments, rambling terror rants, or blank stares. I've learned through experience that it's best for everyone involved if we don't talk about it."_

_"But now you've made me curious," said Hermione. "What happened in 4th year?"_

_Harry gave this a thought, then shuddered. "Maybe it's better I don't. It took me a long time to block these things out."_

* * *

Harry woke up to a strange feeling. It was going to be one of  _those_  days, he could already tell. He sat up, and examined the note hanging off his bed.

_As a reward for completing the last quest, you unlocked the bonus round! You are stuck in a ROMANCE. Congratulations!_

Harry groaned. He did not want to spend his Sunday morning on a dating game, he had work to do. Still, he had long since learned to stop fighting the insanity of this year. "Who are my romance options?"

The note morphed into a list, each name including a moving picture. Hermione, Luna, Neville, Blaise…eww.

Harry blinked in shock. "Professor Quirrell?"

"You can call me Tom," the moving picture said with a wink.

Harry gaped at this blatant sacrilege.

"Come now, boy, don't be bashful," said Professor Quirrell. "What happens in 4th year stays in 4th year. Now, if you'll just come down to the Dungeons, I'll show you the true Secret of Slytherin—"

Harry tossed the paper on the ground.

"Oohhhkay, I'm going back to bed."

He crawled into bed, turned his quieter all the way up, and tried to sleep.

"Ehh heh heh heh."

Harry shut his eyes really tight.

"Haaarryyyy."

"Go away!"

"Come now, boy," said a chorus of voices from the paper. "This is all your fault, really. Join usss..."

Harry threw the covers off the bed. "Incendio!" he cried to the paper trying to crawl onto his bed.

It rematerialized in an instant.

"I'm not going! I won't be part of any more of these stupid, chaotic quests! I've had it!"

Ten minutes later, after the Eldrich horrors had left Harry's room, he stormed out with his wand in hand.

"Fine!" cried Harry. "I'll go down to the dungeons and I'll beat you at your own game, you stupid quest, stupid—"

* * *

_Later, in the Dungeons..._

"See, I told you Harry," said Professor Quirrell, moving his piece in Wizard Chess. "This was such a fun diversion."

"Err..." said Harry, moving his piece. "Yeah, that message was really misleading. Also, why are you purple?"

"I'm glad you asked," said Quirrell. "I'm actually currently on a quest to gather all the infinity stones, so I took the form of a god so that I might wield them."

"Infinity stones?" asked Harry. "What do they do?"

"Well, there are six, and each of them have unique properties. There's a stone of time, space, power, soul, etc. Once I've combined all of them into this gauntlet," he said, raising his fist. "I can use them to take over the universe and reorder the rules as I see fit."

"Oh _really_?" said Harry, intrigued. "That sounds great, Professor Quirrell. We could rule together, make some changes around here. I was thinking we could do away with this death business, give everyone eternal life, make some pocket worlds for everyone to live in—"

"Do  _away_  with Death?" said Quirrell. "Nonsense! I plan on taking her as my wife and offering her half the lives in the universe as tribute. It's the only way to win her heart, and there's too many filthy living creatures anyway."

Harry opened his mouth, closed it.

"How can you—infinite possibilities—all of time and space—and you choose to  _marry Death?_ "

"Exactly," said Quirrell. "I would do anything for love."

"This is wrong," said Harry, head in his hands. "This is so wrong. Wake up, please."

Quirrell glared at Harry. "This is your fault, boy. If you'd just come when you were called, we could have done a simple Tom/Harry romance. But now, you're dealing with Thanos. Do you think I wanted this, boy? Do you?"

Harry shook his head, wishing 4th year would be over already.

"Well, I'm off to go destroy half the universe," said Quirrell, standing. "I hope you're happy."

With a dramatic flair, Harry stood up. "Then I shall become the Master of Death," he declared. "And marry her first and  _I'll stop you_."

Quirrell smirked, raising his gauntlet, a red stone flashing. "How can you do that if you look like a furby?"

Harry glanced down at his furry body...and squealed, backpedaling away from the gauntlet. "Bright light!"

Without ceremony, Quirrell picked him up and threw him in a pool.

Harry felt himself multiplying as the real nightmare began.

* * *

Harry woke up the next morning with a start, breathing heavily.

_Thank Merlin that's over!_

He saw another note above his bed. Harry groaned. He wanted to roll over, forget about the whole thing...but he knew now that was a Very Bad Idea.

As Harry reached for the dreaded parchment, one of his dorm mates tackled him.

"Tag, you're it!" he cried, running away.

Harry sighed heavily, and put on his trainers. Today was going to be a long day.

 


	2. Winter Song of My Heart

_"But I think perhaps the worst one," said Harry, shuddering. "Was that time in I turned into a chaebol..."_

* * *

Harry woke up, stretched, and noticed his dorm room looked a lot roomier than usual, noticeably empty of beds. Then again, one of the benefits of being a chaebol's son was that you got your own private room.

He got out of bed and walked downstairs, wondering why this weird happy music kept playing. It was soft, cheerful, almost too cute and—

Harry groaned. It was going to be one of  _those_  days.

He stopped on the stairs. It wasn't every day, maybe every other day, something weird would happen when Harry woke up. He'd tried every way he could to fight the chaos, but that usually just made it worse. Last week had been Breakfast Club, which wasn't too bad. But Harry had no idea what today was going to be.

Well, no point in putting off the inevitable. He walked downstairs into the Great Hall, and a few people lined up to bow at him as he passed. It was a good thing he'd worn his sunglasses, so they couldn't see his disdain.

He sat down at the Ravenclaw table, and with an elegant snap of his manicured fingers, ordered food from the peons in the kitchens.

_Oh god, so today I'm a huge disgusting prick! That's just fantastic—-_

His thought monologue cut off when he saw a boy in front of him drink a cola.

"Ahh…" said the boy, sighing with refreshment. He smiled at the bottle lovingly, the label pointed to Harry, before setting it down. "That's delicious. Anyway, can we play tennis at your private gym, Harry?"

Suddenly, Harry spotted a girl entering the room. She was…plain, that was certain, but she held a simple kind of charm.

She tripped over nothing, and fell to the floor. Harry smirked. So clumsy. He would have to wait around to catch her next time, and then tease her mercilessly. Then he could impress her with his intelligence and vast wealth. That worked on simple, country girls, right?

"Oppa!" cried a red-haired girl, approaching him. He looked up at her, and saw it was Ginny. She had cute big eyes and a small face, and she was obviously the most beautiful girl in the whole school. Every boy he knew wanted her.

He scowled, not sure WHY she kept bothering him.

She was sucking on a lolly pop, but she took it out of her mouth to pout at him. "Oppa, you can't take him to your private gym. You have to drive  _me_  in your car to the salon. Oppaaaaa," she whined, grabbing his arm. "Let's go!"

"Wouldn't it be more cost efficient to take the bus? I mean, if we consider the price of a liter of gas compared to bus fare, then do a Fermi calculation—"

"A what?"

Harry blinked, then smiled. "Sorry, mental slip. But seriously, I don't have time for this. Just take public transport."

"I don't want to," she folded her arms, pouting. "It smells like stinky old men."

Bored, Harry went back to observing the Simple Girl. She was smiling at a photo, then cheerfully writing something in her bunny ears notebook.  _Ahh…cute._

"Umm...why are you looking at Cho Chang?" scoffed Ginny. "She's so ugly. Besides, she's a half-blood, and she'd just be after you for your money. Your mother would never approve."

Harry sighed. That's right, he couldn't be with someone so beneath him… _wait, what?_

Harry sat there contemplating what an awful, terrible person he'd become. It was all thanks to his no good father, who never loved him, always preferring his older brother.

He scowled. His stupid, perfect brother. His mind flashed back to a memory of his brother being an awful bully. To get away from it all, Harry stood up and strode off to the showers. He needed to brood.

But he'd only just lathered up for his brooding session, when his shower curtain was thrust open by a ruffian.

"Oi!" the ruffian cried in a deep, manly voice. "I saw you looking at my woman! I'm gonna kiillll you!"

Shrieking, Harry grabbed a towel and ran out of the shower. The man followed, chasing him outside into a garden. More music started playing-a fast beat carnival music, like this was supposed to be  _fun_.

Oh, he was sure that, from the outside, this scene looked really hilarious. But right now, he was wrapped in a towel being chased around a bush by a guy who looked like he benched dinosaurs, and  _it wasn't funny at all_.

Harry spotted an escape into an inner copse of bushes. He crawled inside, and the ruffian barrelled on through the garden, leaving him alone.

Harry stood, repositioned his towel, and glanced around. He saw the Simple Girl—err, Cho Chang—staring at a pond.

"Mum, I lost the design competition!" She rubbed her tear filled eyes. "All my hopes and dreams were pinned on it…and now I'll never go to university!"

Harry felt an urge to pat her head, but he restrained himself. Wait…was that the competition that he'd judged while half asleep? Or was it the one where he sneered at all the contestants? It was hard to keep them straight.

She turned to look at him, and he gasped. They froze, time stopping as he realized she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen…

_Why aren't we moving? Are we going to be stuck like this forever?_

*sparkle sounds* TBS TV!

* * *

Harry was just walking to his apartment, minding his own business, when some person hawked and spit right in front of him.

He stared at the ground. That was so disgusting! What was  _wrong_ with people?

Not to mention, he'd spit right in front of the  _doorway_  into his apartment.

Harry spent a good five minutes trying to figure out how to walk around it, and then, to his horror, the spit  _seeped under his doorway_. Onto his  _immaculate floor_.

Recoiling with a shudder, he pulled out his phone.

"Cho Chang?" he croaked. "I need to stay at your house tonight. My home has been compromised."

* * *

Cho Chang was working at her job at a flower shop when she saw a  _really beautiful_  high class lady come in.

The lady approached her, smiling sweetly, and said, "Would you join me in my car?"

Cho nodded. She was wary, but the lady looked kind, and she said she knew Harry.

The lady took her to a very nice restaurant, and Cho had never seen such luxury before. She marveled at everything, while the pretty lady gave her a pinched smile.

"My son," she said. "Cannot be with a girl like you."

She passed an envelope to Cho. "Take this money, and never speak to him again."

Cho stared at the package. It was enough to save her dying father's life, and to pay the evil loan sharks so they'd stop harassing him.

With a heavy sigh, Cho passed it back to the lady with both hands, bowing. "I cannot accept this. It wouldn't be right. Money…must be earned."

The woman scowled. "Fine. Be that way. I've killed before, and I'll kill again to save my empire." She clenched her fist. "And make sure my  _true_  son gets everything he deserves."

"Umm…what?"

"Nothing!" The woman got up and left.

And then another handsome man sat down, smiled and said, "Hello, Cho Chang."

* * *

Harry stared at his photos of their trip to the park, unshed tears in his eyes. Cho would never be his. It was all over.

It's okay. He'd pushed her away for a reason. They could never be happy together, and this was the noble choice.

He got on the bus, and rode away to the sound of the saddest ballad ever, which made him tear up even more. Harry didn't even know where he was going, he was just trying to get away...

But then, the song ended, and he realized. He could stop this! He could be with her and spite his father!

The bus got stuck in traffic, and he leaped off, running to her house. His heart pounding, he knocked on her door. She opened it, eyes red with tears.

"Cho Chang, listen—"

"Don't talk to me, Harry!" she cried. "I don't ever want you to appear in front of me again!"

"What? But why…"

She cried out. "I know you killed my father!"

"I did?" Oh, that's right. He did. Oops. "I can explain—"

His brother appeared behind her, slipping an arm around her waist. "Come here, my fiancé. I will protect you…from him."

Harry's jaw dropped, but then his brother smirked at him, and he saw his eyes flash.

And then he thought of his  _father's_  eyes flashing. And  _her father's_ eyes flashing.

And suddenly it all made sense.

They were vampires, and he was a vampire hunter. He had to save her.

Time froze on his agonized face.

*sparkle sounds* TBS TV!

* * *

Harry woke up the next morning, saw the row of dorm beds in his room, and sighed deeply.  _Thank goodness that's over!_

One of the boys threw something at him, and Harry realized it was a weapon. "Come on, genius. Time to go fight the monsters!"

Harry looked outside at the giant humans eating people.

"Ehh…you know what, I'll take it."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a random spin off from another fan fiction I'm writing. I'll update with more as one-shots as the ideas come to me. If you read one and have no idea what's going on, because the fandom is unfamiliar, then you can just skip to the next one. The chapters will be self contained. Hope you enjoy!


End file.
